The Park

Written four years ago...

“Only if ever…”

I wanted to walk with you on the cold littered streets
I wanted to hold your hand and take you with me
I wanted to see pain through your eyes
I wanted to lie in the park with you and dream into the blue skies
I wanted to hold you close and never let go
I wanted to run my thumb across your brow
Wiping the sweat that pours from your skin
I wanted to make all the poison disappear from your conscience
I wanted you to smile, if only once
I wanted your soul to be forgiven
I wanted you to be free
I wanted you
I wanted to be brave
So I could have told you what I wanted...

Monday 4/20/09

I walked by you this afternoon on my way by the baseball field in the park. I was heading for the beach, to sit by the ocean and take in the sun. It was a beautiful today! Finally, a nice day where I had the chance to get away from the daily grind and enjoy the warm weather! I saw you there lying on the grass at the bottom of the bleachers, with your cart, your things... You laid there peacefully facing the sky. I second guessed myself, wondering if I should walk closer to you just to make sure it was you, but I was feeling a bit timid and figured if it was meant to be you'd be there when I got back...and you were.

"Shane! Shane!" I called out to you, waking you from your slumber. You turned on your side and looked up at me. I noticed your fly was open and I could see red long underwear peeking out from underneath. I smiled at the thought of why you may have been dressed, or rather undressed in that state?! I asked if I could sit with you for a little while. You said not a thing and continued to look at me. I walked over to you and you brushed some dirt of your tarp, clearing a spot for me to sit, then you rolled over onto your belly. I sat above where your head lay, in the dirt. Don't try to be the man, I thought stubbornly. A little dirt won't hurt me! You groaned and mumbled something, but I didn't quite catch it. I put my hand on your head and ran my fingers through your hair. I wanted to be much closer to you in that moment, but it was clear by your body language that you were a mess! I studied you. Your belly was loose and flabby, not like the tight abs you used to have when your were frequenting the gym so long ago.

"Do you want me to go?" I asked. There was a long pause. "I ate a bunch of weed, cooked with butter and salt!" You told me. "My stomach isn't feeling so well!" You groaned and shuffled yourself around on your tarp. I giggled. You weren't impressed! "This is the way I am out here!" You said in a stern voice! As if you needed to let me know that I was going to have to accept this or get lost! I know I caught you off guard, high and not so well, but I live two blocks from where you have decided to set up camp. It was time, I thought...

"Can I show you something?" I asked. "Yes!" You replied as you turned your head towards my back. I took off my cardigan and revealed my tattoo. You looked at it. I turned my head and watched you study it. You looked confused. "It's you!" I said with a smile. You looked at me with question marks in your eyes. "Pretty wild, huh?" I exclaimed as my way of lightening the load of an obviously intense situation. You just looked at me. Your forehead slightly wrinkled. You head tilted to the side. You rolled onto your back and proceeded to sit up with your back turned to me at that moment. You grunted and cleared your throat.

"I think I'm going to go dumpster diving." You informed me. Was that a hint? I thought. "Okay" I said. I stood up, grabbed my things and walked over to you. I put my hand on your head again and ran my fingers through your hair. "Take care, baby!" I mothered you a goodbye. "You too darlin'" You exhaled affectionately and turned to look at me as I walked down the grassy hill for home...

An hour later, my friend *John called and asked me out for dinner. I agreed to meet him on the other side of the park where he lived. I wondered if you would be there again and took the route through the park by the baseball field. There you were, wrapped in a blanket, lying on your side, asleep. I had your friend *Greg's number with me to give to you on one of my business cards. I'd been carrying it around in my wallet for weeks, just in case I ran into you and had the opportunity to pass it on. I reached over your shoulder and placed it next to your chest. You lifted your arm up and grabbed me! "Hey!" I said in a soft whisper. I put my hand on your head again. I guess this was my way of soothing you. "I am going for dinner with a friend." I said. You nodded your head as you looked up at me leaning over you. I looked back at you for a quick second, then stood up straight and began to walk away. I was nervous and full of emotion! "That card is for you from *Greg. He says hello!" I told you in a very unsettled voice. I was breaking down. I wanted to fall to my knees and cry right then and there, but I kept myself poised. You grabbed my card, rolled over as if in a tizzy and took in a deep breath as you looked up at me. "Okay!" you said in a clear, accepting voice...

You were there in the morning when I peered down the street into the park entrance on my way to work. I thought of going over to you, bringing you some food to eat for breakfast... Hmm? I thought. He has survived four years out here without me, he'll get through the morning and I pedaled on my way...

*pseud.